Do you need to enlarge your
penis? We assume that
everyone on the internet
wants to, even women
So I had this dream where I
went to work, and there was
this girl there selling tampons
with razors in them so I walked up
to her and I’m like “you bitch”
and start beating the shit outta her
C4 is awesome
DON’T GIVE THAT TO ME
You hurt my feelings
Do you want a hug?
Then shut up
Did you know that chemically, when you’re in love
you IQ lowers slightly?
Are you in love?
*nods and smiles
My ideal thursday nite involves
sitting down with a close friend and
playing a long elaborate game with unclear rules
while getting loaded every turn
Don’t worry he’ll just use the can
and it will be fine.
I don’t want it on me!
Oh it won’t be on you, don’t worry
i vomit in here all the time
You snorted beer off a rug?
Why didn’t you just lick it up?
Because it was on a rug
Watch this, watch this
Ok, remember this phone number for the next
Why don’t we just write it down?
Its not easy, you gotta pee a little bit
He just eats mud off the ground
Everything has a flavor, I just want
to taste it all
It’s never to late to penetrate
I remember when I was Jesus
things were different
This is going to sound crazy
but i’m not crazy, I’m just
losing my mind
Would you bang her?
She’s dead man, the answer is yes.
Fuck it! Push it in pull it out
as long as I get booze
I’m a normal person
But you’re in karate
Yeah, but I also throw things and climb trees
I had a nap today
You call an alcohol induced comma a nap?
I’m supporting the designated driver program
Tonight I’m drinking for two
*tv is playing a tape created during the war with Iraq
War? We’re at war again?
Xtreme Tic – Tac’s: Contains mostly rat poison
What’s in this popcorn?
I couldn’t find salt
I don’t really think about
hot numbers…I mean, temperatures
Why are we fastforwarding?
Now I want some coffee, but it will make me sick
You guys mind if I get sick tonight, cuz I don’t mind
Oh god, now i’m going to be hyper.
You guys really shouldn’t be doing this to me.
We’re not doing anything to you
Would you like the combo sir?
*hands out money for popcorn
Icecream…I mean, popcorn
I’m ghostly white,
Do you wanna have pissed off sex!
I might think about possibly doing that
Do you want to hear about my day?
I smoke up at like 6 in the morning!
Then i go to bed.
I wake up at like 10 or 11, smoke and go to the mall.
Then at 4 i come back, and smoke.
Then I go to work.
After work, i smoke all night.
And when the weekend comes, it gets crazy.
I don’t wanna have sex with my mom either,
I was just saying it just because
I’m with Jessica…no wait, I am Jessica
I’m jobless and sober, theres no excuse for that
Why did you cut your penis with scissors?
I wanted to get laid.
Don’t worry, getting eaten by an alligator
is just like going to sleep, in a blender
I’ve got a zipper too!
hey! I got two!
Hey, i got three zippers
what do you think of that?
For bubbles you can eat
look under the sink
Oh my god!
I’m twelve people, and i’m really fucking stoned
Well where does he live?
I don’t remember the last time I was sober
I don’t either
I’m going to go grab my…you know, not drugs
You’re hurting me!
How could I be hurting you, your not real
Jewel went from this hippy to this nasty slut.
like it used to be: Hi everybody! Who will save your souls..
But now its like: Fuck me in the ass!
Can you park at the parking lot at the park…Ahhhhhh! to many parks
I like chipmunks!
Hey you want mono *groans and drools
They suck! Their all pro anti gun
This is my house! If you want to stand up,
I think I want to light my eye on fire
It might pop
Oh god, don’t do it! I don’t want to call
911 right now.
You wouldn’t have to, i’d just go to sleep
Whenever I get hurt really bad i just, go to sleep
What is this? Oh god no! Oww!
I am the booze commander!
I want some fucking gummi bears…oh sorry,
didn’t mean to interrupt you
I’ve got the safety stick, I’M SAFE!
i’m like smokey the bear, with the safety stick
I keep thinking that the candyman movie
is the mothman prophecies, cuz its got moths
wait no, that bees
If its not sheiser porn i don’t wanna see
Oh god, i just realized that i’ve been
living with a homeless person for three
days, and i’ve been smoking pot with him
No dude i’m like seriously fucked in the ass
I don’t know what to give my
mother for mothers day
Give her roofies
Dude, i’m not trying to sleep with her
You wouldn’t have to try
Oh god. theres monsters.
Quick do more shrooms!
There is an ‘h’ in ‘your mother’
No theres not!
Yes there is: there’s an upside down
h in your
If it doesn’t come off with water
its not coming off
What about SOAP?
What ABOUT soap?
Later I might think about maybe doing it
What happens if you touch them at the
same time? Oh, my hands are getting warm
Oh god! You gotta give me your pants!
Yeah, I do bad things..George,
where’s your knife?
*looks at oatmeal package
Water? You gotta add water?
Dude! Can you imagine what a glowing
rabbit would taste like? It would be
We’re making progress!
We’re not making progress! We don’t
even have a fucking goal!
I’ve got an easter basket..and a gun
Mommy, which one is my dad?
I don’t know Billy. Go play with your dads
I could understand him getting angry if
it was a month, but it was like a year!
It wasn’t like a year, it was like one month!
Do you want to go tomorrow to a midnight
showing of House of 1,000 Corpses?
What time is it at?
It’s at midnight dude!
Oh god! I forgot to blow my neighbor!
You see, if the party is all guys
it’s just going to have a bunch
guys on drugs sitting around not
doing anything, but if there’s
a lot of girls there then the
guys are going to be doing idiotic
things, on drugs, to impress them
So he wants to be a disabled woman
with hooks, I can relate to that
Why did you turn down the speaker?
My left ear hurts *motions to ear
Thats your right ear dumbass
Hey, do you have any REAL corn?
These two really hot chicks
came in, I think they were
What made you think that?
…I was hoping they were lesbians
I said uranus…I said it again
Good one Jay now hang up
Better get some more oil
for the dog
This shit fucks you up man!
Yes or No! Don’t just
give me this drunk stare
It’s nasty because i
would do it, it comes
down to that
I don’t like you
You don’t like me?
Yeah, your mean and you
use the “N” word
I don’t believe what people says
I could blame it on my irish roots
Because they talk in that type of
dialect or i could blame it on
Italian roots because i’m not
When i talk next to the thing
I can hear myself
Oh no! You sunk my scrabble ship
This game makes no sense!
Could you fish in his
pants and pull one out
I hate friends!
Get outta here!
Ok, i got the fireworks
Now comes the hard part:
Not setting them off
Let me ask you guys something
If a guy breaks into your house
and you don’t have a gun
how are you supposta shoot
I would hate to be a teacher
for little kids. I mean they
gotta learn the alphabet, what the
fuck is this, 26 letters? Who the
fuck would have 26 letters in the
alphabet and they would have to
ask me because i’m the teacher
goddamn it, what is after “A”?
I don’t fucking know
I can handle where we’re going
I can’t handle why we are
going there. It’s like right now
I can handle commands but i can’t
It’s prom in my room every nite
Fuck it, i’m going to compromise
our saftey to have a cigarette
Don’t fuck around!
What does that mean?
It means i know you know
how to use computers and
you can fuck them up
Is there rubbing alcohol in this?
Why would they put rubbing alcohol
in a cigarette? Hey lets just put
this shit into that shit!
I need visual stimulation!
Well then turn on the tv, or
You could just look at me
Why the hell is my cell
phone ringing? Oh I get it
What is this?
Where did you get it?
It came outta my mouth, here
I don’t want it!
If you know what your on, you haven’t had enough
I like this mall, it’s better than Yorktown
This is Yorktown
You know what i could really go for?
A bag of pot, a bottle of rum and a box of fireworks
*spits something across the room
What the hell was that?
I don’t know
well where did you get it from?
I don’t know, i found it in the couch
Who the fuck has their wedding in an alley?
We interupt this war for a riot
What the fuck kinda meat
on a stick has bones in it?
If your so god damn extreme
then why dont you just go
Fuck that shit!
And what the hell is that goddamn smell
oooo What is this?
Stop going through the garbage!
Dude, what the hell is this?
I don’t know but put it back
into the garbage! Stop taking
shit outta the garbage!
Sometimes it is important not to think,
but to feel
Why does he keep playing with himself?
Dude, his hand has been in his pants
For like 20 minutes
I’m not a mean person
You want to kill someone with a hammer
Hi, I think i’m here
Be gentle its my first time
What about your roommate?
Don’t worry, he likes to watch
He doesn’t like mayonnaise?
Yeah, the son of a bitch is an idiot
Have you ever been karmicly bitch slapped
by a six-arm goddess? I didn’t think so!
A mind full of questions has no room for answers
It’s been over an hour, and he’s still playing with his vomit
You’re not Jeremy
I know that
I used to play spin the bottle with that kid from special ed
It’s funny cuz he’s handicapped
Yes we are aware that she is driving on the left
side of the street…She is sober
How long before your drug test are you going
to stay sober?
Three weeks, I’m cutting it to the bare
I can’t open the door! There are locks?
I don’t do locks.
Power is nothing more than a means to an end
What’s the difference between me taking a dump in a bag
me taking a dump in a toilet and reaching for it?
Don’t spend so much time worrying about tomorrow
that you forget about today
You shaved your balls with a razor?
It was Cory’s, Jeremy and I both shaved our balls with it
A conceited person never gets anywhere because
they think they are already there
I think i’m peeing on myself
Your going to fall though the ice
Shut up! If you don’t talk about it, it won’t happen
Well, I couldn’t figure out how to put on this coat
now i’m going to drive this car
I think they know we’re on drugs
It’s cuz your yelling
Kracker Chicken Cupboard
Get outta my office!
I’m not mean, i’m assertive
In the practical use of the intellect
forgetting is as important as remembering
Experience is something you don’t get until just
after the moment you need it