Do you need to enlarge your

penis? We assume that

everyone on the internet

wants to, even women

So I had this dream where I

went to work, and there was

this girl there selling tampons

with razors in them so I walked up

to her and I’m like “you bitch”

and start beating the shit outta her

C4 is awesome



You hurt my feelings

Do you want a hug?


Then shut up

Did you know that chemically, when you’re in love

you IQ lowers slightly?

Are you in love?

*nods and smiles


My ideal thursday nite involves

sitting down with a close friend and

playing a long elaborate game with unclear rules

while getting loaded every turn

Don’t worry he’ll just use the can

and it will be fine.

I don’t want it on me!

Oh it won’t be on you, don’t worry

i vomit in here all the time

You snorted beer off a rug?


Why didn’t you just lick it up?

Because it was on a rug

Watch this, watch this

Don’t yell


Ok, remember this phone number for the next

five minutes

Why don’t we just write it down?

Its not easy, you gotta pee a little bit

He just eats mud off the ground

Everything has a flavor, I just want

to taste it all

Give it

get it


It’s never to late to penetrate

I remember when I was Jesus

things were different

This is going to sound crazy

but i’m not crazy, I’m just

losing my mind

Would you bang her?

She’s dead man, the answer is yes.

Fuck it! Push it in pull it out

as long as I get booze

I’m a normal person

But you’re in karate

Yeah, but I also throw things and climb trees

I had a nap today

You call an alcohol induced comma a nap?



I’m supporting the designated driver program

Tonight I’m drinking for two

*tv is playing a tape created during the war with Iraq

War? We’re at war again?

Xtreme Tic – Tac’s: Contains mostly rat poison

What’s in this popcorn?

Bacon Bits


I couldn’t find salt

I don’t really think about

hot numbers…I mean, temperatures

Why are we fastforwarding?

We’re not


Now I want some coffee, but it will make me sick

You guys mind if I get sick tonight, cuz I don’t mind

being sick

Oh god, now i’m going to be hyper.

You guys really shouldn’t be doing this to me.

We’re not doing anything to you

Oh god

Would you like the combo sir?

*hands out money for popcorn

Icecream…I mean, popcorn

I’m ghostly white,

I’m dead.

Do you wanna have pissed off sex!

I might think about possibly doing that

Do you want to hear about my day?

I smoke up at like 6 in the morning!

Then i go to bed.

I wake up at like 10 or 11, smoke and go to the mall.

Then at 4 i come back, and smoke.

Then I go to work.

After work, i smoke all night.

And when the weekend comes, it gets crazy.

I don’t wanna have sex with my mom either,

I was just saying it just because

I’m with Jessica…no wait, I am Jessica

I’m jobless and sober, theres no excuse for that

Why did you cut your penis with scissors?

I wanted to get laid.

Don’t worry, getting eaten by an alligator

is just like going to sleep, in a blender

I’ve got a zipper too!

hey! I got two!

Wow! three!

Hey, i got three zippers

what do you think of that?

For bubbles you can eat

look under the sink

Oh my god!

I’m twelve people, and i’m really fucking stoned

He’s homeless

Well where does he live?


I don’t remember the last time I was sober

I don’t either

I’m going to go grab my…you know, not drugs

You’re hurting me!

How could I be hurting you, your not real

Jewel went from this hippy to this nasty slut.

like it used to be: Hi everybody! Who will save your souls..

But now its like: Fuck me in the ass!

Can you park at the parking lot at the park…Ahhhhhh! to many parks

I like chipmunks!

Hey you want mono *groans and drools

They suck! Their all pro anti gun

This is my house! If you want to stand up,

go outside

I think I want to light my eye on fire

It might pop


Oh god, don’t do it! I don’t want to call

911 right now.

You wouldn’t have to, i’d just go to sleep

Whenever I get hurt really bad i just, go to sleep

What is this? Oh god no! Oww!

I am the booze commander!

I want some fucking gummi bears…oh sorry,

didn’t mean to interrupt you

I’ve got the safety stick, I’M SAFE!

i’m like smokey the bear, with the safety stick

I keep thinking that the candyman movie

is the mothman prophecies, cuz its got moths

wait no, that bees

If its not sheiser porn i don’t wanna see

Oh god, i just realized that i’ve been

living with a homeless person for three

days, and i’ve been smoking pot with him

No dude i’m like seriously fucked in the ass

I don’t know what to give my

mother for mothers day

Give her roofies

Dude, i’m not trying to sleep with her

You wouldn’t have to try

Oh god. theres monsters.
Quick do more shrooms!

There is an ‘h’ in ‘your mother’

No theres not!

Yes there is: there’s an upside down

h in your

If it doesn’t come off with water

its not coming off

What about SOAP?

What ABOUT soap?

Later I might think about maybe doing it

What happens if you touch them at the

same time? Oh, my hands are getting warm

Oh god! You gotta give me your pants!

Yeah, I do bad things..George,

where’s your knife?

*looks at oatmeal package

Water? You gotta add water?

Dude! Can you imagine what a glowing

rabbit would taste like? It would be

so good!

We’re making progress!

We’re not making progress! We don’t

even have a fucking goal!

I’ve got an easter basket..and a gun

Mommy, which one is my dad?

I don’t know Billy. Go play with your dads

I could understand him getting angry if

it was a month, but it was like a year!

It wasn’t like a year, it was like one month!

Shut up!

Do you want to go tomorrow to a midnight

showing of House of 1,000 Corpses?

What time is it at?

It’s at midnight dude!

Oh god! I forgot to blow my neighbor!

You see, if the party is all guys

it’s just going to have a bunch

guys on drugs sitting around not

doing anything, but if there’s

a lot of girls there then the

guys are going to be doing idiotic

things, on drugs, to impress them

So he wants to be a disabled woman

with hooks, I can relate to that

Why did you turn down the speaker?

My left ear hurts *motions to ear

Thats your right ear dumbass

Hey, do you have any REAL corn?

These two really hot chicks

came in, I think they were


What made you think that?

…I was hoping they were lesbians

I said uranus…I said it again

Good one Jay now hang up

Better get some more oil

for the dog

This shit fucks you up man!

Yes or No! Don’t just

give me this drunk stare

It’s nasty because i

would do it, it comes

down to that

I don’t like you

You don’t like me?

Yeah, your mean and you

use the “N” word


i’m jesus.

I don’t believe what people says

I could blame it on my irish roots

Because they talk in that type of

dialect or i could blame it on

Italian roots because i’m not



When i talk next to the thing

I can hear myself


Oh no! You sunk my scrabble ship

This game makes no sense!

Could you fish in his

pants and pull one out

for me?

I hate friends!

Get outta here!

Ok, i got the fireworks

Now comes the hard part:

Not setting them off

Let me ask you guys something

If a guy breaks into your house

and you don’t have a gun

how are you supposta shoot


I would hate to be a teacher

for little kids. I mean they

gotta learn the alphabet, what the

fuck is this, 26 letters? Who the

fuck would have 26 letters in the

alphabet and they would have to

ask me because i’m the teacher

goddamn it, what is after “A”?

I don’t fucking know

I can handle where we’re going

I can’t handle why we are

going there. It’s like right now

I can handle commands but i can’t

handle reasoning

It’s prom in my room every nite

Fuck it, i’m going to compromise

our saftey to have a cigarette

Don’t fuck around!

What does that mean?

It means i know you know

how to use computers and

you can fuck them up

Is there rubbing alcohol in this?

Why would they put rubbing alcohol

in a cigarette? Hey lets just put

this shit into that shit!

I need visual stimulation!

Well then turn on the tv, or

You could just look at me

Why the hell is my cell

phone ringing? Oh I get it

What is this?

Where did you get it?

It came outta my mouth, here

I don’t want it!

If you know what your on, you haven’t had enough

I like this mall, it’s better than Yorktown

This is Yorktown


You know what i could really go for?

Whats that?

A bag of pot, a bottle of rum and a box of fireworks

*spits something across the room

What the hell was that?

I don’t know

well where did you get it from?

I don’t know, i found it in the couch

Who the fuck has their wedding in an alley?

We interupt this war for a riot

What the fuck kinda meat

on a stick has bones in it?

If your so god damn extreme

then why dont you just go

kill yourself!

Fuck that shit!

And what the hell is that goddamn smell

oooo What is this?

Stop going through the garbage!

Dude, what the hell is this?

I don’t know but put it back

into the garbage! Stop taking

shit outta the garbage!

Sometimes it is important not to think,

but to feel

Why does he keep playing with himself?


Dude, his hand has been in his pants

For like 20 minutes

I’m not a mean person

You want to kill someone with a hammer


Hi, I think i’m here

Be gentle its my first time

What about your roommate?

Don’t worry, he likes to watch

He doesn’t like mayonnaise?

Yeah, the son of a bitch is an idiot

Have you ever been karmicly bitch slapped

by a six-arm goddess? I didn’t think so!

A mind full of questions has no room for answers

It’s been over an hour, and he’s still playing with his vomit

You’re not Jeremy
I know that

I used to play spin the bottle with that kid from special ed

It’s funny cuz he’s handicapped

*phone rings

Yes we are aware that she is driving on the left

side of the street…She is sober

How long before your drug test are you going

to stay sober?

Three weeks, I’m cutting it to the bare


I can’t open the door! There are locks?

I don’t do locks.

Power is nothing more than a means to an end

What’s the difference between me taking a dump in a bag


me taking a dump in a toilet and reaching for it?

Don’t spend so much time worrying about tomorrow

that you forget about today

You shaved your balls with a razor?

It was Cory’s, Jeremy and I both shaved our balls with it

A conceited person never gets anywhere because

they think they are already there

I think i’m peeing on myself

Your going to fall though the ice

Shut up! If you don’t talk about it, it won’t happen

Well, I couldn’t figure out how to put on this coat

now i’m going to drive this car

I think they know we’re on drugs

It’s cuz your yelling

Kracker Chicken Cupboard

Get outta my office!

I’m not mean, i’m assertive

In the practical use of the intellect

forgetting is as important as remembering

Experience is something you don’t get until just

after the moment you need it